Dear Diary,

Tuesday February 5
I haven't felt very well for the last day or so and am now 33 days into what is usually a 31 day cycle.  I don't really believe I'm pregnant but I guess the kernel of hope is there because I give in and take a pregnancy test just so my brain, and maybe my heart, can give up on the possibility and move on. Just like it has moved on for the last 18 months.

 I can hardly believe my eyes as the plus sign starts to form.  I double check. Triple check.  Cry a little from sheer dumbfoundedness. I don't even make it to my room before I am praying the words of gratitude that this miracle deserves.

Every baby is a miracle. But just like most things that take time and patience to get, it seems to make it all the sweeter when it finally happens. I hadn't truly appreciated the ease with which I was able to get pregnant in the past.  Not until 2 months became 3 and then 6 and now a year and a half later, I was trying to reconcile with the idea that I was done having kids. Sage would be my last and and for now my family was complete.  At my very core it felt wrong but what alternative was there?

Until now.  My mind starts racing about how to tell Chris.  I want to rush to his work and tell him to his face but Sage is sick and napping.  Something clever when he gets home? I don't know if I can wait that long! And then it seems the opportunity is dropped in my lap.

He texts me a reminder to work on the insurance claim problem from my HSG from last month (no, I didn't actually manage to get pregnant without help, physical and divine).

I retort "Especially since it appears I'm not infertile!"

He agrees that the diagnosis is not really the problem it is about passing the buck.  Not really what I was trying to relay the first time, I try again.

"Maybe I should have said 'Especially since the little blue plus sign says I am not infertile.'"

His response, "WHAT!?!"

This is pretty much what I was thinking.  I go back and check the test 3 times before the day is over, just to make sure I am not imagining it.

Wednesday February 6
Day two of not taking my daily antihistamine for the unexplained hives that I was diagnosed by the allergist with in August but have had since last July.  Woke up in the night with itchy feet and hands. Could be a long pregnancy.

Thursday February 7
Woke up feeling a little nauseated and decide not to eat for a while. Take Noah to school and get Ian and Sage settled down in the playroom and head back to the kitchen to try some eggs.

Maybe that was not such a good idea.  Spent the rest of the morning on the couch and in bed wishing I could just roll over and die.  When Chris and I talk about having a child it isn't the labor I have to forget, it's the pregnancy.  Did it just take me an extra long time to forget (a whole year and a half!) this time?  I really don't feel like this is my usual MO for pregnancy. I mean, I do get sick and nauseated and it is usually all the time for the whole pregnancy, but somehow the 'move and vomit and then roll over and die' feeling is not usually one of my symptoms.

But I asked for this didn't I?  Actually, begged, pleaded and cried might be more accurate.  (And of course, I swore I would do better about pulling up my big girl panties and taking care of business during the next pregnancy! What was I thinking?)

I watched what seriously felt like every woman of child bearing age that I know get pregnant and even have their baby while I was still waiting for that sick feeling. It was definitely not fair. But I already knew that the world isn't fair and this helped me keep my less desirable emotions in check.
(And when it slipped out that my own sister was pregnant I realized, once again, that the capacity of the human heart to feel emotion is unlimited.  While I was sad and disappointed and even a little desperate, I was happy for her.  The sadness and frustration for my own situation didn't negate or lessen the joy I felt for hers.)

But as I lay there, feeling like a sick dog, I reminded myself that I had, indeed, asked for this pregnancy.

Wednesday February 13
In one of the great ironies of life I spent the last weekend in fear of imminent insanity for no reason.

Either irony or a faulty memory.

I went to see an allergist in August who explained to me that I have unexplained, spontaneous hives and that they will spontaneously disappear when they are ready.  In the meantime I could take a Zyrtec everyday to control them.  I explained I was trying to get pregnant and asked about continued use during pregnancy and she said it was not a good idea.

I think. 

So fast forward to now.  I get a positive pregnancy test and I quit taking it.  Within a couple of days I am in almost constant discomfort as the itching and burning concentrates on my hands and feet.  I mistakenly don't call the OB on Friday and start losing sleep as I soak in the tub in the middle of the night, each night.

Finally, Monday arrives and I call.  The nurse calls me back and tells me Zyrtec is on their safe list.  WHAT?!?!?!

At least I don't itch anymore.

Tuesday March 5
Went to the doctor's office for my first appointment.  Had a viability ultrasound and saw the bean. (As Chris said when he saw the picture, "Wow, it doesn't eve look like a gummy bear!")  It had a heartbeat.  They decided that the embryo was measuring 8 weeks and 3 days, which was three days farther along than I had thought.  It's only three days, but hey, I will take all the help I can get!

Also, found out I qualify for Advanced Maternal Age medical care.  Basically, it means I get one more "medically necessary" ultrasound than usual but it still seemed...unflattering.

Wednesday March 13
I can't rock Sage while leaning my head back on the glider.  It makes  me motion sick.  I am totally lame.

Saturday March 16
I woke up this morning after the worst dream!  It took me by surprise because in the past the bad, and entirely realistic, pregnancy dreams don't happen until I am farther along.  They are also usually about bad things happening to my children.  This one was about me and Chris.  During most of the dream, I was trying to analyze how things had gotten so bad in our relationship that he was tired of me and didn't want me anymore and formulate an argument as to why he should get rid of his new wife (we were not divorced-he just didn't want to be with me anymore) and we should work on our relationship. His response to my preliminary overtures (in my dream, of course!) "But we are getting our honeymoon pictures back soon."  WHAT?!?!?!

I woke up about then.  Now being pregnant makes me emotional.  I am more prone to cry at sad parts of a movie, I get madder quicker and experience way more righteous indignation than usual.  And to cap it all off, the emotions hang around for a long time.

So even though Chris came in and held me and comforted me and said all the right things, those awful feelings lingered and resurfaced several times over the rest of the day.  It was awful!

Sunday March 17 
I have finally told the boys that I am pregnant.  Of course, if you need something to be a secret don't tell the 6 and 5 year old. But Friday, Ian asked point blank when we were going to have another baby.  I couldn't lie so I told him in October.  He promptly counted out the months and told me that was 8 months from now!  What a long time!  I mumbled something like "you have no idea!"

(I asked him not to tell anyone and really thought he had probably forgotten until today.  I had eaten lunch and was feeling particularly full.  I sat on the couch and said (ten points if you can name the movie this quote comes from!) "I am so fat I can scarce draw breath!" Ian runs over pats my tummy and says "That's because you are growing a baby!")

And this afternoon, I told Noah I was pregnant and thanked him for his patience with me the last...hmmm..month and a half.  He kinda smiled and said "really?" I asked if he wanted a brother or a sister.  Both boys have voted for a brother. Then he actually laid in bed with me (he is not inclined to cuddle or hug so this felt kinda huge.) as we discussed possible names and I asked him for suggestions.

And lastly, I have had one common craving in all of my pregnancies: bagel and cream cheese.

So now you know.  It's out there.  I am pregnant and hoping to stay that way!

(And maybe I have gained a little sympathy for my lack of posting since January:)